Last night was a bad night. I faced things I thought I’d conquered, sleeping giants who had never died. I wrestled with a lot, and I didn’t win.
But today I’m holding on. A long talk with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while helped too.
So tonight, I’m going to make a list of the things helping me hold on. Things I love. Things that make my day brighter.
In some ways, this is my Thanksgiving list.
I am thankful for…
Friends who are home for the holiday.
ThePianoGuys played the Lord of the Rings music.
My writing teacher telling me that I have a beautiful, lyrical story-telling voice, as if I haven’t figured out the difference between a song or a poem or a story (I haven’t).
A little girl with pigtails and ribbons in her hair, asking if I would be her friend.
Seeing an old friend at work unexpectedly.
Getting off work early.
My 10 year old brother telling me he is growing “peach hair” on his chin.
e. e. cummings poetry.
Ok, any poetry.
Jackie Lea Sommers and her beautiful writing and the way she gives me hope.
Books. Narnia and LOTR and Saving Francesca and Truest and Dee Henderson novels and the Harry Potter series and The Giver and Pride and Prejudice and Anna Karenina and Wuthering Heights and Out of the Silent Planet and A Tale of Two Cities and Sherlock Holmes stories and The Boy in the Striped Pajamas and The Help and Bridge to Terebithia and Little House on the Prairie and The Hunger Games and The Outsiders and The Bronze Bow and Hamlet and The Witch of Blackbird Pond and Caddie Woodlawn and Holes and My Side of the Mountain and Paradise Lost and Anne of Green Gables and I read way too much because that’s barely scratching the surface.
Good movies, chic-flics and romance and animated Disney movies and action movies and superhero movies and lame little kid movies.
My dad. That he understands my love for Shakespeare.
My friends, all of them, how they make me laugh and cry and treat me with more love than I ever thought I deserved. How they make me feel like I matter when I want to give up and lie down. All of you- Ellie, talks with you will never be long enough. Abby, Jenni, Becca, Jo, I wouldn’t know what to do without you four. Stacey and Jackie, I would be a very lost girl without you two incredible writers in my life. And my CC team- Tori and Jenna and Kaitlyn and Kaylee and all the girls who’ve already graduated- thanks for understanding, for pushing me, for letting me push you, for carrying me when I’m weak, for letting me carry you when you are, for the “fatfests,” for the rant sessions, for the good races and the bad races, too. And of course the bestie (but I already mentioned my sister). Thank you for who you are.
Writing, again. Because it helps me survive and process and do so many things I couldn’t do without it.
The blogging world, where I can rant and rave and somehow people still listen to me.
Anyone that has ever put up with my writing.
Warm bread (especially Jenna’s garlic bread).
Pasta feeds with my team.
Running, long runs, short runs, fun runs, hard runs, the exhilaration of runner’s high.
Beautiful people. Blue eyes and brown eyes and green eyes and black eyes and everything in between; all of the worlds they hold inside them.
Adorable kids. The way they smile or ask you if you’ll dance with them or carry them. Little kids who pray for Legos and peace and their older sisters, little kids who can ask random questions about mommies and running shoes and broccoli. Little hands holding mine; a little kid falling asleep in my arms.
Vivin, my little Compassion child.
Saul, my correspondence Compassion child.
But there’s one thing I haven’t said yet, the most important thing. Maybe because I can’t really explain it.
It’s Him. He is my Life. Without Him I would have died. With Him my life is transformed. How can I put into words the One who created them?
I love Him.
That is what I know. That is how I hold on.
That is how He holds onto me.