Some Days

It’s been one of those days. Those days when I don’t see any hope, anywhere. When I don’t have a reason to keep going. When I want to lie down and curl up and pretend none of this exists. When I face my giant; a crippling pain, a haunting fear, a destructive force that makes it hard just to get out of bed.

Why some days? What happens in my brain that triggers this onslaught?

I’ve never been able to name it, or identify those tiny triggers. It’s on a perfectly normal day. Sometimes I’ll even have good news- a friend’s homecoming, an ACT coming back with a better score than I could have hoped for, making plans for Thanksgiving as a family.

So why this? Why is my whole world suddenly black? It’s hard to even function. At some point, it’s hard to care, about anything.

Everything I love- family, friends, Jesus, reading, writing, running, art, music- doesn’t bring that spark into my heart like it usually does.

I’m a perfectionist (and a total nerd), but I can’t bring myself to care about school. I can’t study for that test, I can’t write that paper, I can’t even summon the motivation to e-mail my professor with a question.

In some ways I am controlled by this fear/ angst/ depression/ whatever it is.

But in other ways, I know I have choices. A myriad of choices.

I know how to respond to this. I know what I need to survive this.

And I can choose my response.

I can choose what I am doing tonight.

I tell myself, over and over and over again, the Truth.

He loves me. He is enough. I am enough. I do not need to be more. I will get through this. He will get me through. My life has not been worthless. He hasn’t left me here. He won’t ever leave me here. I will be okay. My past does not define me. It does not control me. It does not determine my future. He has scars that negate mine. He has gaping holes in His wrists that say my name. He is everything. He fills this void in me, even when I can’t see Him. He is with me. Always. He will make something beautiful out of this. He has done that in the past. This I know; I have seen it. He is here, or I would not be alive. He breathes life into me. He is the reason I cling to. He is the Reason that clings to me. I am secure. I am safe. I am His. I am precious to Him. I am bought with a price. I am defined by His suffering, not mine. I am His treasure. I am His prize. I am His love.

All of these things, truth after truth after truth.

And I use the tools He has given me.

I listen to a song. Write something I wouldn’t normally write. Experiment, try something new. I force myself out of bed, force myself to call someone up and make their day brighter. I heal by serving. I write my sponsored child a letter. I let my Bible fall open to a page, any page, marked with pen and tears and crinkled with use. I read, just a verse sometimes, a whole book at other times. I look at a picture of a lion, of a lamb, of a Man on a cross, and I remind myself that He has too many names and I will not be able to understand the big picture fully.

I remind myself that my Rescuer is my Paradox, that His wisdom may seem like foolishness to me. I don’t have answers, I don’t have reasons, but I m holding onto Him.

And more importantly, He is holding onto me.

 

So what do you do? How do you cope with those days? What do you use to walk forward into the light, however heavy and impenetrable the darkness can seem?

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5 thoughts on “Some Days

  1. Oh, Sweet Girl. I’m so sorry this is part of your life. Anxiety/transient depression seems to be part of growing up for some of us. It was mine, and now that I’m in my 40s, it’s part of life again.

    Somewhere along the way I learned that having an eternal perspective as a believer means that no matter what, IT IS GOING TO BE OKAY. And it will – even this side of heaven IT IS GOING TO BE OKAY. And whatever is left over that is not okay this side of heaven, will be okay on the other side.

    I thought having a child diagnosed with Down syndrome when he was 6 months old was the worst thing that ever happened to me, because I couldn’t ever fix it, and it was NEVER EVER going to be okay. And in some ways it’s not okay, yet on the other hand, he is the best thing that could have happened to my family. I always longed for a Jesus I could see with my eyes and feel with my hands – and I know my son is not that, but somehow when I hug my son, I have a physical sensation of Jesus’ concrete love and goodness. What more could I possibly ask for, yet it comes at a price.

    It sounds like you already have music in your life – sometimes that is the only thing that helps me, and it works best if I have the music going before things start to go downhill – it gives me something to hold on to.

    Blessings,
    Alyson

    1. Your description of your son, and your obvious love for him, is really, really beautiful. Thank you for sharing- it means a lot. Jesus is really, really good.

      You are so right. I have been through times like this in the past, and the one assurance I always hold onto is that there is another side to this. Someday I will be on that other side, because Jesus is holding onto me. One of my favorite quotes, however simplistic, is this:
      “Everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.”
      So simple, but so profound at the same time.

      1. Ah, yes, and as a believer, the end will be the beginning of something so indescribably wonderful!!!!!!

        When I am feeling not so happy, I tend to remember in prayer the others I know who struggle too. I’ll add you to the list!

        Blessings,
        Alyson

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