Letter to Jesus

“Not all those who wander are lost.”

The words echo through my head, a whisper more potent than a scream.

Restless.

So restless.

I just want to go… and go and go and go. I never want to stop going. I want to travel and see places and live. I want to go on running and never stop to listen to the reasons why I should be someone else and do something else and become someone I can never be.

I want to do everything, but I want the freedom to do nothing if I so choose. I want to live in a million different places, and write about all of them. Maybe along the way I’ll figure out who it is I’m supposed to be, too.

But right now, tonight, where it’s dark, I can’t see that tomorrow. I can only see the pressure; the bars of the cage that are closing slowly around me.

And I’m tired. So tired.

Tired of trying. Tired of failing.

Tired of falling, over and over and over again.

Tired of getting stuck inside someone else’s version of me.

Most of all, I’m scared of never finding You at the end of all of it.

They question, constantly question me. They want to know why things like college, a job, money, success, “getting there” aren’t important enough to me.

I’m building my life around You. How could I not? You are the reason that I live.

But tonight, amidst all the pressure that is like a thousand tiny needles stabbing my senses and stealing me, I can’t see. They’re stealing me, these minions of success. They’re lying to me. They’re putting me into a box; their box. They’re telling me I’m nothing outside of success.

I’m restless. I don’t want to listen to them, but I am. I’m listening because I can’t see the thing that I most want.

I just want You- You alone. I’m thirsty for You, Your love, consuming, molding me.

I need this escape- but You are my only way. You are the Way. You are my Love. My Cornerstone.

Perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps the reason is because I’m telling myself I build my life around You. Perhaps my escape is not in running, but in realizing…

You are my Life.

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